How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
