i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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