guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
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