Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
