they need to just BURY HIM!
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Randomize
