I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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