made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
