You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
