I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
