It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Randomize
