You were right. It hurts to walk today.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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