Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
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