My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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