Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
