The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
