i need an iv and a liver transplant
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
My liver just had a heart attack.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
