yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
