All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
You ruined the universe
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
