what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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