TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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