I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I wish there were birth control emojis
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Randomize
