That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
