Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
