I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
