Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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