I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
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