Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
