he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
