see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
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