She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
