I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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