dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
