No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
