just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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