Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Randomize
