I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize
