I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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