Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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