is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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