Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I skipped work to stalk him.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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