do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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