weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
