If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
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