Its okay if i dont like him.his junk is just too good to resist.model penis,lame guy.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
