Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
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