so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Can you bring me the toilet please
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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