I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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