so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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