I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
