You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
