Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
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