Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
