when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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